


Affirmation

by kittenofdoomage



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Thoughts of Suicide, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 17:28:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5879473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenofdoomage/pseuds/kittenofdoomage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Lucifer comforts the reader during a breakdown</p>
            </blockquote>





	Affirmation

The room was dark, and a chill filled the air around you, despite the warmth of the radiator at your back. Heat seeped through the blanket, but you felt nothing but cold deep in your bones, and you sighed, closing your eyes. Music played softly from the stereo, lyrics passing you by without any thought. You could hear the wind outside your window, but you ignored it, holding the blanket around your knees, pulled up to your chest as you focused on the rhythm of your breathing and your heartbeat.

It was hard sometimes, hearing those things. Just existing could be the most painful thing you had ever felt, pushing yourself through the day to day activities – getting out of bed, washing and dressing, going to work. All the time plastering a smile on your face, telling the world, and yourself, that you were okay. You were fine. There was nothing wrong. Except everything inside you was wrong. It felt like someone had pulled you apart and put you back together upside down and inside out. Physically, you were healthy, maybe a few extra pounds but you were healthy. Your heart was beating. Your lungs worked. Blood flowed through your veins every millisecond and you carried on, hauling your body through the motions.

That was all they were. Motions. Things that were expected of you. Paying the rent. Making sure the electric was on. Food shopping. Things you knew other people didn’t blink an eye at but some days they were the worst thing ever. Functioning was hard. No one saw the black pit in your mind, but every second you felt like someone was staring at you and judging you.

_Look at her. Buying ice cream. Isn’t she fat enough already?_

_She looks miserable. Bet she’s got nothing to worry about._

_Attention seeker._

_Faker._

_Liar._

_Worthless._

Logically, you could tell yourself that strangers in the street didn’t care what you were wearing, what you were doing. You knew you had friends that cared. But moments like these, sat alone in your darkened bedroom, it felt like the whole world was rising up against you, beating you down, wanting you to give in. Wanting to win against you. And you felt like losing.

Another sigh escaped you and your breath was visible in the air now. The heat at your back was slowly fading, and you didn’t care enough to go and turn the thermostat up. You didn’t care that your bare feet, peeking out from underneath the blanket, were red from the cold. Your toes curled into the carpet as your body tensed, and you closed your eyes tighter, wishing that the world would just go away. Wishing you didn’t have to breathe. Wouldn’t that be easier?

A shiver travelled up your spine as you felt hot tears pricking the corners of your closed eyes.

_Oh here she goes. Crying again. Loser._

A single tear dropped down your cheek, hanging onto your chin for a moment before splashing to the blanket.

_Give it up. No one cares._

Another tear followed it closely. You wished you had the strength to sleep, but you knew it wouldn’t happen. You were tired – of everything. There was no reason for this. No reason to feel like this. You just…you just did.

_Come on. You really think crying like a baby is going to help? There’s nothing wrong with you._

_There’s everything wrong with you._

_You’re broken._

A sob echoed through the room, and you realised it had broken free from your lips. A second followed it, and you gave it, crying freely. You pulled the blanket closer, not caring about the cold, but wishing that you could fold in on yourself and not face this any more. The unreasonable darkness inside, taking away any joy or happiness from you.

There were photos on your bedside table. Photos of you with your friends, laughing and smiling. Enjoying days out. But that wasn’t you. That was your mask. You could smile, you could be the happiest person visible, but inside the smiles left a cold resonance in your soul. Your friends knew something, knew you hid it. But you couldn’t show them. They’d think less of you.

_They already do. They know. They know you’re worthless._

You hadn’t seen them in a few weeks. Every time they called you gave an excuse. It was getting to the point where you didn’t even want to go to work, didn’t want to see thousands of faces smiling at you, all the while you knew they were thinking that you were nothing, you were just…a stain. Something they had to deal with.

Leaning to the side, you hit the floor, blanket wrapped around you, your wrist laying by your face on the coarse carpet. You opened your eyes, staring into the darkness, crying silently now. The music continued to play and you continued to cry. This was the end. You felt it. Maybe tonight would be the night you took it one step further.

You were brave enough right?

Or was it cowardly.

End the struggle. Stop trying. Just. Stop. Breathing.

‘That would not be wise.’

The voice from the other side of the room made you sit up suddenly, eyes wide. The shadowy outline of a figure sat on your bed, back to you, and you stared, wondering if you were finally going nuts and hallucinating.

'No, I am very real, Y/N.’ The man – which was the only thing you could tell right now – turned a little. You couldn’t see any of his features, and you frowned, fright filling you slowly. 'There is no need to be scared. I came because I felt…I felt a darkness in you.’

'A-a darkness?’ Your voice was croaky from crying, and you wiggled to cover yourself more with the blanket, suddenly aware you were only wearing a tank top and shorts.

'You suffer. Daily. And I could hear you.’ He sighed. 'I couldn’t stand by any more.’ The man stood up, turning to face you, but you still couldn’t see him. 'It is rare I feel such…empathy for a human. But there is something about you -’ He raised a hand, silhouetted by the window, and waved his open palm. Your bedside light came on by itself and you squinted in the sudden light. 'There is something about you that stirs it in me.’

'Who are you?’ You whispered, your eyes adjusting as you took in his features. He was handsome – tall, blonde and with a strong nose. His eyes pierced you like a knife, and you shuddered as he stared at you intently.

'My name is…you can call me Nick.’ He stepped around the bed. 'I will not hurt you, Y/N.’ He was stood in front of you now, looking down at your huddled form. 'Far from it.’

'I don’t understand. How did you get in here?’

Nick chuckled, moving to crouch next to you. You kept your eyes on him, wary, wondering what he wanted. 'I have many talents. I’m not…exactly human.’

'Not human?’ The fright was welling up inside you again, but he reached out, touching your hand. The blanket fell away under his touch, and your eyes widened at his cold skin. 'What do you mean?’

'I’m an angel.’ He said slowly, as if he were speaking to a small child. 'And I am only here to help.’

'H-help? How can you possibly…’ You swallowed, moving away a little, before standing and backing away from him, the blanket totally discarded. 'No one can help.’

'I assure you, that is not true.’ Nick said, following suit and standing. 'I cannot bear your pain, Y/N. Let me help.’

Your eyes focused on him for a moment, and you stared, unsure of his words, despite their meaning being clear. You’d meant what you said – no one could help you. The pills, the counselling, you’d been there and done that, and you were always coming out the same on the other side. What did this man, or whatever he was, expect to accomplish where others had failed so miserably?

He chuckled again then, and you felt a strange warmth blossom like a seedling in your chest. His laugh had done that. It was a foreign feeling to you, something you’d maybe felt a long time ago but not here, not now. Nick stood, guiding you to follow him, and you did so as if under compulsion. You couldn’t resist him – more than that. You didn’t _want_ to resist him. This, this guardian who had found you in the middle of the darkness you lived in, whose simple touch had drawn you out…how could you resist?

'You see? I only wish to help.’ He muttered, pulling you close as the room started to fade around you. The rustle of wings touched your ears, and you blinked, a little shocked at the sudden rolling in your stomach. You weren’t in your little apartment any more, but you were still with Nick, his strong arms wrapped around you like a cocoon. Until he let go and stepped back, still maintaining the contact but letting you see what was around you.

It was a field. Wild flowers glistened with dew in the early morning light, the sun just about peeking over the horizon, almost sleepy in its appearance. A butterfly shook the moisture from its wings and took off across the grass, speed only enhancing the colours of its form. You didn’t speak, too absorbed in the way that the sun played with the entire spectrum of colours across the field, trees barely covering the edges in shade. You couldn’t hear anything except the soft breeze, and the chatter of birds in the air. You couldn’t feel anything except the wet grass beneath your feet, and Nick’s gentle but strong grip on your arm. Closing your eyes, you inhaled and exhaled deeply, taking it all in. You’d never seen anywhere so…peaceful.

'Where are we?’

Nick smiled as your eyes met his. 'That isn’t important. But I needed you to see…everything.’

'Is this everything?’ You wondered, looking around.

'This is the start.’ He replied, his hand moving down to grasp your fingers. 'The darkness inside you – I cannot take that away, Y/N. And I know that to you, I am a stranger. But I have experienced the very width and breadth of your existence, and I came to you to show you this. This is beauty. Everything in this field was created for a reason, was given purpose, and it is beautiful.’ He turned to you, a sparkle in his eyes. 'And you are in this field, Y/N.’

Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, and you looked away, watching as the sun rose higher, spotting rabbits emerging from their burrows to the furthest edge of the field.

'I fell into darkness once. It took a long time for me to be pulled from it.’ Nick sounded wistful, as if his words hid a deeper meaning. 'The suffering in your soul echoes my own. And I wish to take that away.’

'You don’t even know me.’ You whispered, refusing to look at him again.

'I do not need to. I see you. I see everything that burdens you. Burdens can be different, yet altogether similar. You yearn for an escape from your life.’ He opened his arms, and you turned, seeing him for what he was. Long black, damaged wings stretching further than his arms reached, his skin almost like marble in the sun. Within the blink of an eye, they were gone, but you gasped anyway. 'I am here to give you one.’

'I-I don’t understand.’ The reply was rasped, and confusion settled into your mind as Nick stood closer.

'I can give you what you seek.’ He smiled, raising his hand to brush his thumb over your cheek. 'I want to give you what you seek.’

'What do I seek?’ You asked, unsure of the answer yourself.

Nick only smiled wider, and pulled you close, pressing his lips to your in a kiss that was as full of heat as his lips were cold.


End file.
